(WARNING: Longer than normal post)Don't worry, I don't know either.
So at approximately 2:10p in the afternoon, I grabbed the things I needed and headed out to the car which happens to be a new, black Saturn, Red Line series Vue. I was telling a friend on FaceBook the other day how much I loved black cars and probably wouldn't own another color. When they're clean and freshly detailed there's no better looking car.
As I unlocked the door with my key remote, I opened the driver's side door ready to throw my crap in the front seat and head to the store that I loathe more than any other on the face of the earth. All of a sudden I'm met with a 90 knot gust of the hottest air I've ever felt. Like the inside of my car was exhaling dragon breath mixed with propane.
The only thing hotter would be those times I have a pizza in the oven and open the door with my face in front of it ready to get a peek at my frozen creation. Somehow it never sinks in that every time I do that my face gets burnt, my glasses steam up and my bangs get cinged before I back away like there's a tarantula in there waiting to jump out at me. Then I stand there, yell "FUCK", and then proceed to close the oven door. This happens EVERY time. I'm an extremely slow learner.
What the hell, I'm thinking? Is the sun taking a nap in the backseat of my car? If so, get the hell out 'cuz you're melting everything inside. Go screw with the people at Walmart until I get there. And take your humidity friend with you while you're at it.
After the wind of air subsides, I jump in the black oven and put in the keys as fast as possible (which wasn't really fast at all). I felt like I was in one of those horror movies where the actor cant seem to find the freakin' hole while the zombie moves closer and closer.
Idiots. They deserve to be eaten if they can't start their car without fumbling around for 30 seconds.
With ONE key.
I finally get it started and crank up the air conditioning. It does nothing but blow hot air in my face. All of a sudden I can't WAIT to get to Walmart. I sit in the car, patiently awaiting the a/c to cool down while going over the store list in my head.
Thumbtacks. Thumbtacks.
$5 bucks says I walk in the store and have no idea what I went there for so I have to rehearse.
OK, the a/c isn't doing shit. I sit a bit longer as I assess the inside of my car. My iPod looks as if its' bout 2 inches longer than normal due to melting, my black dash is bubbling, and just a glance at the chrome door handle is scaring me. The situation looks dire. I have to drive 6 miles in a black car to a store I hate with warm air conditioning giving me a sunburn.
Screw it, I'm not waiting. I close the door buckle up, and put on my signature sunglasses.
SHHHHHIIIIIIT!!!!
The glasses were so freakin' hot they burnt my face. As if the a/c wasn't bad enough, now I have burn blisters around my eyes and back to my ears. I rip them off my head and look in the rear view mirror at the damage. I look like a hip raccoon. I had no idea plastic could get that hot without losing it's shape. I guess the good new is, Maui Jim can now market branding irons along side their sunglass collection. The bad news is I look like I'm wearing some bizzare Cirque du Soleil makeup around my eyes.
How in the world am I going to walk around Walmart with red, burn circles around my eyes? I could wear my sunglasses inside but then I'd look like one of those arrogant rock star assholes so I'm just going to have to suck it up.
I need to get going to I start to head out.
Another extremely loud expletive comes out of my mouth while my neighbor is standing there watching this whole circus act unfold. I really need to get going but I'm contemplating running back inside and getting some oven mitts. My steering wheel is by far the hottest thing in my car. I decide not to mess around anymore so I take off my tank top and drive with that draped over the steering wheel.
Now I officially feel like a redneck. No shirt, burnt eyes, and sweat pouring off me like I just spent 3 hours plowing a tobacco field.
I make it to Walmart, do my business and return home as fast as possible. I needed to get into my house quickly before I die of heat stroke. As I pull in the driveway my a/c starts to blow cold air.
...little fucker.
Man, I was pissed. Even more pissed because I needed to do one more errand later in the afternoon. So before exiting the car I roll down the windows and open the moonroof so I don't have to go through the grueling experience a second time.
After I get inside, I'm met with nice, cool air and decide to sit at my desk until I stop sweating. Then I decide to kill some time on FaceBook.
HUGE mistake. I'm that little girl in Poltergeist that just got sucked into the TV. Once I'm on, I can't get off. I needed a few good laughs and my FaceBook buddies never fail to deliver. 3 hours later I realized I had lost track of time. It was getting late and I decided to blow off the second errand. It was too hot out and I was still trapped inside FaceBook. So now, with nothing to do, I stay on FaceBook another good 8 hours until the wee hours of the morning.
After my eyes began to droop I finally hit the hay. Face up because my eyes hurt but it doesn't take long to fall asleep.
In what seemed like a few hours later I woke up to an extremely loud noise in my house. A few seconds pass and then it's quiet. I'm trying to figure out who it is and what I'm going to use hit the intruder with when he walks in my room. The only thing within arms distance is my TV remote. Nice. Even a stapler can do more damage if I can manage to staple his jugular vein in one shot.
As all of this is going through my head, a MASSIVE bright light lit my room like there was a SWAT team hiding in my forest shining a 50,000 watt bulb through my window like I was growing pot.
Thunder, lightening and rain drops that were the size of baby gerbils. It was raining so hard I could barely see the forest. Relieved that I wasn't getting robbed, I got out of bed, made some coffee and went to the back slider to enjoy the show. Being from California I don't get to see this kind of weather so it excites me and scares me at the same time because that shit is LOUD.
A few cups later, I decide to leave the show to take a shower. I have an errand at 9:00a to take my car into the shop for some body work from when I was rear-ended a few weeks ago.
With the personal hygiene out of the way I do what everybody should do when surrendering their car to another party. Empty it of all things of value. iPod, papers, money, garage door opener and whatever else you plan on needing while your car is gone or don't want stolen.
I have about 45 minutes before I need to leave so I decide to start emptying my car so I can shove it all into the rental car that will be waiting for me at the shop. I go into the garage which is full of about 200 boxes from my move and fumble for the opener. As the door opens and I make my way to the front of the garage, my car starts to come into view. At this point there's only one thing I could possibly say.
oh SHIT.
My car is a silhouette in the rain but clear enough for me to see that I left both windows open and my moonroof.
My heart dropped all the way down to my butt. I was paralyzed. After I snapped out of it I started to try and think rationally. I hauled ass into the house to get some towels to clean up the drops of rain in my car.
I open it up and now, as I stare at the inside of my car, I'm mortified. It's absolutely flooded. Every electronic is soaked, 25lbs of water was hiding in each seat and my cup holders were so full they looked like little waterfalls.
I quickly put the key in and this time is slips right into the hole the first time.
?
I roll up the windows and shut the moon roof. I'm absolutely astonished at what the inside of my car looks like. I have to be at the shop in 30 minutes and I have to make an attempt to clean up as much of the inside as possible.
After wiping down everything I could see and siphoning out my cup holders, I ran back inside and got two, really thick towels. I folded each one 4 times and stacked them on my seat so I wouldn't get wet.
The dealership is 5 miles away. By mile 4 my car smells like wet dog. It's pretty gross but in about 3 minutes it's not going to be my problem for awhile.
I get to the shop, get out of the car, and my ass is SOAKED. There was so much water in my seat that it seeped through two thick, folded towels. It's the only part of me that's wet. Nice. Not only am I a freakin' moron by this point but apparently I'm also incontinent.
As I walk into the shop I'm met by the nice lady who's been helping me on the phone. I stood square in front of her so she couldn't see my ass. Every time she walked around I kept turning and facing her. Finally she goes behind the counter to hook me up with my rental car.
"OK, hon", she says. "All I need is your driver's license and you're good to go".
FUCK!
It's back at my house. In my haste to leave I forgot to grab it. After apologizing a million times I told her I'd be right back as I walk backward out the door not letting her see my ass. Speaking of which I now get to sit on the nice soaked towels again. Putting on a wet bathing suit feels better.
I jam home, jam back with my wallet and get hooked up with the rental car.
So the score is North Carolina weather: 2, The California Bone Brain: 0
I'll admit defeat. The weather here changes faster than Superman in the telephone booth. Like the boyscouts say, "Always be prepared". I KNEW I should have done that instead of running track in high school.
After getting home, I realized I left my navigation unit in my car. If it isn't comical by now, it's becoming very close. I drive BACK to the shop and tell Patty the helper that I need my Nav unit out of my car. As she walks out into the work area I could only picture a full blown Hazmat team acid washing the inside of my car since it's obvious the driver's seat is packed with urine.
Dumb asses. A simple smell test would have told them it's just wet dog.
After leaving, I feel like I'm finally done with 2 days of weather prison. They gave me a brand new Camry which is really, really nice but the only thing it lacks is satellite radio which i've becomed accustomed to.
So FM it is. I need tunes BAD. I need a pick me up after feeling like the stupidest person in the entire state of North Carolina. I finally find a rock station that immediately pisses me off.
Through the speakers come the familiar sounds of Lynyrd Skynyrd.
"That Smell"
Off to Walgreens to buy a stapler.
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