Dude, Where's My Car?

It's no secret that I'll happily admit. I'm a mall rat.

When all is quiet on the home front and I feel like a short drive, I head to the local mall to hang out. Not necessarily for the shopping, although it's nice when you have a quarter in your pocket, but I like to people watch.

I go grab a six pack of Starbucks, find a nice, comfy chair to sit in and watch the southerners shuffle about from store to store. Best of all, I love to see them get caught in that Tractor Beam that sucks them into those fucking kiosks to buy stupid shit. Especially the booth with the lotion bitches.

For the customers it's hot, it's humid, their skin glistens with sweat and these girls make them feel they need more crap on their skin.

It's not deodorant people. It's for dry, lizard skin. If you lived in Arizona that might be one thing. But you basically live in a rain forest. Natural oils protect your skin that really doesn't need to be ground away by Dead Sea salt.

Whatever. It's fun to watch when you're wired on Americanos.

Well, on this particular day I actually had a NEED to go to the mall and I couldn't get there fast enough. I was on a mission. A mission that required speed, agility and total focus.

My iPod took a dump.

For whatever reason it doesn't sync anymore and it skips when I play my tunes. Ever listen to the same songs every day for a month? For me it's summed up in one word.

Insanity.

I would rather my right foot get ground up in an escalator accident than be without my iPod. I listen to that thing every single day, all day long. Most of you know that music is my lifeblood and to be without it would cause me to shrivel up into a pale white dead looking guy who eventually drops to the floor in the fetal position and through pursed lips would utter, "do not resuscitate".

So the next day, I scurry off to the Apple store. Well, the lone store in the southern half of North Carolina happens to be south of Charlotte on the South Carolina border. So what. I'd drive to freakin' London if I had to. Impossible as that is, I'd give it one hell of a try.

I'm driving like I have to go to the bathroom really, really bad. Why, I'm not sure because once I get it, there's not going to be any music on it until I get home. Still, I need to feel it. I need the warmth in my hand. I want that familiar "clicking"sound to fall upon my ears.

Now I've only been to this particular mall about 3 times. It's quite nice, very upscale, and buried amongst some of the largest plantation type homes you'll ever see. So the beautiful drive makes it all the more worth it.

Once I get there, I park my car, grab my shit, and head on in. When I get to the glass doors there's a lady with a double stroller with two cute little girls in each seat. As a gentleman, I open the door for them and then the second one. A very polite "Thank you" later, I walk through the department store out to the mall.

Again, I've been here before so I knew where the Apple store was. I must have looked like a horse with blinders on or the Terminator because my eyes didn't leave the front of my path until I saw the giant, white Apple logo perched atop the brushed chrome exterior of the store.

Usually I'm greeted by no less than 11 employees asking me if I need any help. Any other day I would simply say, "just looking, thanks" (all the while in my head saying, "get the hell out of my face and leave me alone"). But today was different.

I walked in the store and the first Apple employee walked up to greet me and before they finished their little greeting, it came blurting out of my mouth.

"I want the most manly looking 16G Nano you have".

With a skip in my step I exit the store with my Hot Pink iPod.

As I'm leaving, in front of me was a mall directory. I wondered if they had a camera store I could peruse before leaving. This amateur photography hobby has me fascinated by all the lenses and gadgets that can be used with your camera.

To my surprise, they had a Wolf Camera store in the mall. That's a rarity since most camera stores have closed up shop as they simply can't compete with the online stores and prices. I locate the store on the map and make my way over.

The store is small but packed with lots of goodies. I spend about 15 minutes window shopping, find a lens that I would like to have, stare at it for a bit then decide it's time to leave.

As I exit the store and start walking back toward the Apple store it happened. I didn't even see it coming.

Every single brain cell fell out of my head, landed on the shiny mall floor and rolled around like marbles. Each step I took, more and more fell out until the needle in my skull was pegged on "E".

"I probably needed some of those", I say to myself as I'm now completely lost and have no idea where I am or where I'm parked. In fact I'm so lost that I can't find the Apple store. I walk over to the nearest mall directory, get my bearings and begin to try and retrace my steps.

Futile, frustrated and fucked. That's all that was left in my head. I walk down one arm of the mall to an anchor store and I don't recognize the area. Again, I look at the mall map and it doesn't look any different that the other one except the dot that says "You Are Here" had moved.

I begin to turn my head sideways to the right. Then I turn it to the left. Then I turn it upside down. Where the hell was I? The stores were clearly marked on the map but for the life of me I couldn't find them.

I walk back down the long hallway, turn and begin to walk down the next arm to another anchor store.

SHIT. There they were. The lotion bitches. I had to walk past them to get to the end so with my laser sights pointed straight ahead, I walked by as they shoved plastic cups that looked like urine samples in my face but I kept walking.

Nope. Not where I came in. Now I have to reverse course. Now you would think these ladies would remember they had already offered me their snake oil. Nope. For some reason I must have looked like I changed my clothes because they assaulted me again.

Passing the rest of Carnival Row, I make another turn toward a third anchor store. I get to the end and nothing looks familiar. I turn around, look at the map, and it looks the same as the other two.

Shit.

Now I'm frustrated so I sit down and think. As I'm pondering how to get the fuck out to my car I was reminded of a similar story that happened many years ago. It was the only other time I had lost my way to my car.

My good friend David who I worked with and has more Beatle knowledge than I will probably ever obtain, decided to take a trip to Las Vegas to see Paul McCartney. This was back in the day when we could fly for free so we booked the trip and headed down to see a Beatle.

Well, David was in charge of getting the rental car. He decides we're going balls out and rents a brand new, white Town Car. Yes, it was very cool, quite comfy, and came with all the amenities. A day later we drive out to the concert that we had been waiting to see for some time.

We get into the parking lot and proceed to our seats which were quite good. After the concert we exit the stadium and begin to walk back to our car.

So we think.

Somehow we didn't agree where we parked. It was dark out, the lot was dimly lit and worst of all; we were in Las Vegas. EVERYONE is Las Vegas drives a white Town Car. Needless to say, as we gaze across the lot, we see nothing but 200 white Town Cars. Long story short, it took us over an hour to find the car. And it was only because everyone else had pretty much left.

As my day dreaming ends, I get back up and continue on my quest. Another mall arm later, I find myself in a place I was in 15 minutes ago. Now I'm really turned around. No matter which way I went I was simply walking in circles. I must have passed the lotion bitches 5 times and each time they thought I was a brand new person. Either they thought I had a crush on them or they were just really fucking stupid.

After 25 minutes I decide the only thing to do is exit the mall and walk around the entire outside until I find the parking structure with the most familiarity. Bad call. As I begin to walk the outside I realize the perimeter is about 3 miles long.

Great. I don't have the stamina nor the patience to do this so back in the mall I go. By the grace of God I finally find the Apple store. The problem was, which way did I go in? To the right or to the left? I turned around to see if I could remember but all I saw were my brain cells still rolling around on the ground.

I picked a direction and, of course, it was not the correct one. As I'm walking I decide to swear off all corn mazes for the rest of my life.

Finally I decide I'm just going to walk into one of the anchor store to see if anything looks familiar. Nope. They all have perfume counters, shoe departments, women's undies and ladies now trying to get me to sample the latest men's fragrance. I walk to the back where the glass door is and there's no parking.

I turn around and start to walk back out when I notice there are two side doors to the right and to the left. I look down at one of them and recognize the door handles. It's the only thing I remembered when I help the mother with her ducklings inside the store. They were curvy, ornate and one side had a handicapped door.

I walk down to one of them and surprisingly there was a parking structure. I walk outside and there it was. My car.

"FUCK", I said as I look at my watch that said 45 minutes had passed.

I couldn't believe that I never paid attention to the store I had entered when I first walked in. I was so pre-occupied with helping someone that it never dawned on me to take note of where I was.

Now panic set in as I thought I was going to be late picking Alex up from school as I pretty much wasted all my time memorizing the entire mall.

Driving like I had to pee again I make it in time to pick up my kid after which we headed home so I could load my new purchase. I was still steamed that I made such a veteran mistake not to mention that some stupid person was going to find my brain cells on the floor and use them. Luckily they'd be of no use to them as most of them were fried.

Later on that night after making a few new playlists and loading the pod I see an ad for the iPhone on TV. It's talking about the 1 million apps you can now load on your phone for just about anything. At the end of the ad came the punch line.

"You can even download an app that will show you where you parked your car".

I looked at my iPhone sitting next to me and had the urge to flush it down the toilet. I didn't, though, because it's now officially my new brain.